Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
The air was thick with penises
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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