They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
