you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
