A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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