Ambien. No doubt about it.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
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