Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
