I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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