Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
