I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
