made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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