Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
