if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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