Already got asked if we're dating
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
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And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
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I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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