We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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