We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
