No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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