good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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