I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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