He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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