just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
