I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
