i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
