i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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