I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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