I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
