So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
