Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
