I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
