i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
