Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
