I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
