Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
