You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
