Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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