I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I just gift wrapped bread.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Randomize
