You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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