he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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