I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
