The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
