We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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