Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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