Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
