He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
