And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
