I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
