i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
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