I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
