is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
