My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
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Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
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When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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