My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
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In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
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Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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