I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
