Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
