Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
