Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
