she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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